Re-Humanizing the Dating Process

If you’re out in the dating world right now, you don’t need to be told how tough it is out here. Creating a profile that feels fun and unique and trying to see if you would have a good date with someone based on four pictures, a few sentences, and some chatting feels like more of a game of chance with every swipe. We used to have more common places to run into someone and meet them organically, and of course still want to be open to that possibility, but what do we do when the most common way to meet someone is on one of the apps? For the goal to be meeting people and building relationships, dating online can be pretty isolating. Here are some dating tips from a counseling perspective that might help give ways to be mindful and curious:

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Before the date:

• Dating online doesn’t need to be done in isolation, if you have other single friends on the apps get together and chat about what’s on your profiles, what you’re seeing out there, and people you might be interested in.

• If the idea of going on dates is a bit tougher but you’re really wanting to get out there, make a goal to try and go on a date/a certain number of dates in a certain timeframe and share that with a friend. Making goals and sharing them with others really does help!

• If you’re chatting with someone on the app and not sure if you want to meet them in person yet, schedule a video chat first. That might give you a better sense of if you want to meet in person.

• There is safety in numbers, so before the date you can send over the name of the person you’re meeting, where the date is, and share your location with a friend.

• Meet a date in a setting you feel comfortable. If you’ve never been to the place before you can meet there with a friend before the date.

• Dates can bring up nervous energy, so in the car on the way to a date could be a great opportunity to regulate. This could be listening to calming music or deep breathing where you breathe in for four counts, hold for four, breath out for four.

During the date:

• Try to ask open-ended questions that start with something like, “What kinds of things…” or “When is the last time…” etc. as opposed to close-ended questions that would receive a yes, no, or one word response. If you find that you are with someone that is good at asking questions but are having a hard time coming up with questions on the spot, you can always answer their question then ask, “How about you?”

• Try to keep your body relaxed. We tend to tighten up when we’re nervous and that can send non-verbal messages we don’t intend. If that might be more of a struggle then plan a date going on a walk or doing an activity of some kind instead of sitting down to coffee or dinner.

After the date:

• Think about how you felt when you were on the date. This might be a good time to do a body scan.

• It can be really easy to implement all-or-nothing thinking when dating. So a good rule to go by is the neutral or better rule. Did you feel really uncomfortable, misunderstood, or unsafe? That’s a no to a next date. However, if it was a date where there was some good conversation, some laughs, and things you noticed that you liked about the other person, then it might be worth a second date even if there also were some awkward pauses. That might provide an opportunity for less nervousness on the second date and more things to come up that you might like in the other person.

We might be heading into a trend with more offline dating events so keep a lookout for those too, and maybe bring a friend! Going on first dates can really bring us out of our comfort zone, but growing in any area asks that of us. Dating can give us a chance to get to know new people and get a better idea of what we might be looking for. If this brought up some curiosity to want to dig deeper into how to better connect with self and others, scheduling time with a one of our team members might be a helpful next step!